The direction of spiritual winds are achanging and they are forming a storm front with the creative winds.
Two nights ago I came home after having been out all day. I’d scribbled some lyrics down while killing some time at B&N and I was pretty damn proud of what I had come up with. The problem was that by the time I was ready to nail down the tune I had lost it. I knew that I could get it back if only I was back in that mindset. But I had had a fine day and was just feeling way too golly-gee good to create anything other than something ala Brady Bunch’s I think I’m going for a walk outside now. The sunshine’s comin’ my way!… and I so don’t want to be guilty of that. So I started listening to the new Evanescence album and it did not quite get me into the right mindset but it inspired me to want to write something much darker. Something that would air out the darkest, ugliest emtions I could find. Dammit. It takes time to go from golly-gee to hating the world. And did I really want to do that to myself on purpose? But see, there’s something going on with me right now that hasn’t happened in way too long. I am feeling driven to create. And as such, I will do anything.
And so I did something very very stupid for the sake of a song that I have yet to write. I deliberately cultivated negative emotions that night. I could already see myself on a dim stage, curled up tightly on a stool letting other people take care of the instrumental parts because this song…whatever it is, has to be expressed physically as well as vocally.
The song did not get written. I was distracted by a wonderful distraction. An old friend from college. I had been thinking of him, which was strange since we had not spoken in quite some time and had been just vaguely aware of one another’s existence for perhaps 7 or 8 years now. But I thought of him and then he contacted me saying that he had been thinking of me. Somehow, conversation with is proving to be a good thing for me. It wasn’t time lost. I don’t count everything as fate or coincidence. I decide every situation indvidually. I don’t believe this to be coincidence. So I talked to him and I think he gets me. And hey, we talk music so it was far from counterproductive.
I let him go so that I could finish the song started at B&N. But the tune wasn’t there. Talking to the friend had brought me out of the dark place that Evanescence had only somewhat done for me. (Let’s face it, they aren’t that dark.) So the next day was “tragic and miserable” day on purpose. The kind of day in which a person finds themself in the shower crying “Why…oh why…” much in the way of Nancy Kerrigan in news archives. (Why? Because you wanted to write a song, you fool. You aren’t even getting paid for this. What are you thinking?) Now I know why so many musicians turn to drugs. (Not that I am contemplating this. Just saying…)
I did rediscover the tune of the song from B&N. I apparently was singing loud enough to wake my neighbor upstairs from her afternoon nap judging from the sounds of movement up there. Oops. Yeah, not such a quiet song. I finally got out of that slump of writing nothing but folk sounding things! I didn’t get to the dark and ugly song though. I had to be sane enough to meet people for social purposes later on and that took some undoing of the damage from earlier.
And then there was that storm last night. Normally I am quite happy to sleep with others. Last night the storm had energized me though. I wanted to do something with it. I wanted to use it. I wanted to be solitary. Of course, the storm could not wait until tonight or tomorrow night. I will not see my lovers again for a week and will have all but one day of that to myself. But alas, I ended up laying there, eyes open, filled with energy and no way to use it. Generally speaking, I am NOT a morning person. Generally speaking, the presence of others does a 180 on my morning personality and I become a morning person. Oy. Not this morning. The energy had drained and the body and mind were asking “WTF?”
Thus I ask the powers of nature that be, may you bring another storm tonight? I would be ever grateful. I will even set the mood. Clear a space. Light some candles. Who needs electricity? Take it all away for a day. Just a day. The stormybalance awaits.
