I date more than one person. They were with each other long before they were with me. *gasp* How perverse! How…how…
Once upon a time I thought being out about my bisexuality was a fairly large deal. I will not use this space to go one about the plight of the bisexual. Years ago I thought my bisexuality or lack of religion would be the cause of controversy in my life.
I am an open minded person. New York City is an open place. I find myself in situations that I once personally defined as unacceptable for myself but perfectly fine for others. Now my dear family, should I ever actually talk to them at enough length for them to hear about my personal life, would get to hear that not only do I have a girlfriend, but that girlfriend comes with a husband/fiance/boyfriend/whatever-they-call-themselves-this-moment and he is my boyfriend too. (Yes, just boyfriend. No other labels. I prefer to keep things simple and straightforward.) My family is not yet aware of the situation but if the topic comes up I will hide nothing. Ouch. Gay lifestyle and polyamory in one shot. I have yet to look this up but I hope that PFLAG has material for this. Then again, I suppose PFLAG brochures are only useful if the parent is willing to open them.
I must resist my temptation to go one now about how this is not all about sex and these are two very caring people who have shared so much of themselves with me and vice versa in the short time that we have been together. Suffice it to say, this is not just a “sex” thing. If it were, I would keep quiet and not deal with people’s attitudes.
I am an honest person. I do not say that lightly. I am honest to a fault. I do not hide who I am. I am not sure that I am even capable of doing so. Some people call me strong for it but the truth is that hiding who I am, what I am and what I believe in is about as easy for me as it would be for George W. Bush to pretend to be a member of the Green party. This is to say, that it is nearly impossible.
So I wonder what situation I have gotten myself into when my dear, sweet girlfriend mentions that her family could never know what I am to her or she would be disowned. (I do not know for certain if this is the case, but she feels that it is.) I certainly have no desire to be the cause of someone being disowned by their parents. I have an idea of what even the threat of such a thing feels like and it is certainly an anguish that I wish that I had never felt. It was mentioned that at the wedding of gf/bf I would have to pretend not to be what I am. If this relationship continues that far, I would be with them for probably close to two years by that point. While I am capable of stepping back and appreciating that this is their day, I am not so certain that I can pretend not to be who I am to them. It would tear me apart on multiple levels from feeling that I have dishonored my own strong beliefs in being true to who I am to the hurt from not being acknowledged even a little. If this situation continues, I will check in with myself when the time comes and do what I believe is best for everyone.
I am writing my songs right now and sometime in the not too distant future I would like to perform them in front of people. There are no songs that are clearly about the two people in question yet. Their names will not be mentioned. However, what if the “wrong” people showed up to support me as one of their friends? It is a rather distant “what if”, but I wonder, when you are someone’s secret, what they expect you to do in your own life to protect them? Once again, this is ahead of the game. I will say this though; my own tendency would be to perform the songs that would get people thinking more. I would love to do songs about polyamory and my explorations into it. I would love to open a few more minds. I feel very strongly about that and I question how far we should take this relationship when a deal breaker for me is being completely out and open about who I am and having the freedom to express my feelings with and about those that I am close to.
About a year ago I remember feeling like someone’s dirty little secret. I started to write a song about it but only got halfway into the song. I think I found the rest of the material.
